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Talk:Into the Storm and out of Darkness/@comment-28549248-20160903090449/@comment-76.232.200.172-20160904032329
Comment Part 1 Okay, now that it is finally the weekend, I have time to read and comment. In my comment I will provide praise for what I reallly like about the AM, suggestions for changes to sentance structure, and questions about the story itself. Disclaimer: I tend to make comments is detailed/thorough/really, REALLY long. Normally you would have had the LMB character limit in place to save you from a page-long comment, but no so with the wiki. :P You story is also really long, which is a good thing, but I won't have time to comment on all of it at a time. That is why I will post my comment in parts, adding a new part each time I get more time to read the story. Another disclaimer: I haven't cought up on Story of a Minfigure in a while, so I probably have incomplete knowledge of any Story of a Minifigure lore. Anyway, on to the actual comment. I loved the battle scene; the action sequence was very descriptive and just plain cool I would have to argue against the premise that nothing is chaos. I mean, if you have a completely empty room. you can' say that the room is disorganized. You can't say that the room is organized, either. If there is nothing in the universe, it can't be chaotic or orderly. Nonetheless, I liked your depiction of chaos and the whole "part of creation" thing. "Chaos itself is not evil; it’s part of nature." Concider replacing "it's" with "it is." In my opinion, unless you are intentionally trying to create a colloquial tone, "it is" sounds better. I don't know if you want to make the Master speak formally or informally for the long narration. "Even it is part of the Universe Figelus created." This sentance sounds weird. I think saying "Even part of the Universe Figelus created" would be more concice. "But Figelus sent the Ithen, because he did not want pure chaos in the Universe anymore. And they would help him." I'm not exactly sure what you are trying to say with that last sentance. Is there something important about that fact that they would help him? If so, it wasn't conveyed properly. If not, then why did you give it its own sentance, drawing attention to it? "Unknown to both of them, though, this allowed greater diversity as the final result was something no one could have foreseen, created by the vision of Figelus and the Figrithen, but altered by the chaos pertaining the Malrithen." What exactly do you mean by "greater diversity?" "Foreshown." I like that word, for some reason. :P "Firstly, it survived, because it is part of nature." Take out that second comma. Having two commas around "it survived" turns it into a parenthetical, which it certainly is not. "Without Chaos our world would be very different, worse even." Add a comma after "Chaos." "Every minifigure strives to find balance between the two or else the consequences can be catastrophic for ourselves first and often for others, too." This sentance is strangely un-parallel. It begins with "every minfigure" and ends with "ourselves." Unless the speaker is not a minfigure, in which case you would not use the reflexive pronoun "ourselves." "The Malrithen that were banished did not perish, nor did they get truly outside of our world." No offence, but "get" is a pretty lame word in this context. :P Something along the lines of "nor did they truly leave our world" would be more dirrect. "humans of Imagination." By humans do you mean real-life humans, as in you and me?! :O Or do you mean minifigures? I like the whole "era of minifigures" thing. It nicely ties in with the mythrans looking like minifigures in LU. Master Builders: Awesome!!! I don't have time to read the rest tonight, so I'll comment on the rest tomorrow or some other time. P.S. Since when did I become a dwarf? :O :|